The only person that has really hurt me lately is myself... It's time I figure some things out.
I realize that it's been a difficult year for you. There have been many days that you feel like you are completely hopeless, completely helpless... Like nothing is going to be okay... Like you'll never be able to breathe again. But I'm writing to tell you that it's not true. I know exactly how you feel every single morning when you wake up. I know that it takes every ounce of courage that you have to put another smile on and go about your day. I just need you to stop and realize that it's okay to hurt for a little while. It's okay to feel fragile while you're healing, because someday, I promise you, once you're healed you will be so incredibly strong. You will be immovable. You will be someone that others will look up to. They will love you, respect you, and want to follow in your footsteps in the way that you live your life with grace and compassion. You will be a positive and strong example to your children and they will be learning from the best because you finally were able to face your struggles and embrace your challenges and learn from them. You grew and you became who you were striving to be all those years.
You have got to stop torturing yourself and running from love. Your whole life, ever since you were a little girl, you loved love. I know you still do. So why are you running from everything like it's your worst nightmare? Yes, you need to find yourself and heal before you can give your heart to another, but that doesn't mean you can't build lasting friendships with people and let them love you for who you are right now. You still have a generous heart with so much to offer, even if it isn't flawless for the time being. Stop and look around you for a minute. You have a few of the worlds greatest friends. Look at Jordan. He's had an open ear and has been willing to listen from day one. He makes you laugh like no one else can and he has a fabulous family that you love to be around. Look at Trent. He helped you through a broken heart and he's always going to have your back... You need to let him know that you are always going to have his as well because he feels like you've become a stranger to him. You still need him... Let yourself trust him again. Look at Bryan. He has a sincerely sweet and caring heart. Who else would jump up and make you a turkey and cheese sandwich when you're hungry? Look at the amazing women you work with. They are your other family and they love you and want the best for you. Work hard and help them whenever you can. Listen to them when they want to tell you about something because you are trustworthy and everyone deserves a listening ear. Someday, a wonderful, charming and sweet guy will come into your life and will be mesmerized by you because you are what he has been waiting for. Become your best self because this man will deserve it. You will deserve his love and you will be happy together.
You still have your family... Even though you aren't always going to get along and you have your differences, they're still your family. You're sealed to them for time and all eternity and that's a commitment from them to be there for you day in and day out for the rest of your life. Love them, even though sometimes they are the ones that let you down most. Forgive them for their shortcomings. Let them know when you need their help because they want to be a part of your life. Tell them you love them. They need to hear it just like you need to hear it. Love the fact that you have an adorable kitty that runs to the door to greet you every time you come home. Take care of her and love her.
Say your prayers daily. Your Heavenly Father loves you the most out of anyone. He knows you and your heart like I know you and your heart... But even better. He understands that you hurt and that you feel more than you wish you did, but he knows that you need these trails and difficult times to learn something important because he has a plan for you. You are not wasted space. You have a purpose here on this earth and he needs to prepare you for whatever it is that he has in store for you. It's not going to be easy. There will be so many days that you want to give up, but you must push forward. Keep going to church. That's the only place that you will feel completely peaceful for a while and it will help you deal with and sort out everything else in your life. Don't do these things for anybody else. Do them for you. That's when you will benefit from your decisions the most.
Lastly, open your heart to all the wonderful things in your life. It has been closed off to everything for so long. You'll only die faster that way. Love people. Appreciate the beautiful blue sky. Enjoy the chirping birds in the Spring, the sunshine in the Summer, the changing leaves in the Fall, and the snow in the Winter. Do not take anything for granted because you never know when you will loose it.
I need you to remember these things because sometimes I think you forget about the wonderful things that you have been blessed with. You torture yourself and you feel like you aren't good enough or that you aren't worthy of other peoples love and support... It's not fair to you to trick yourself into believing those things. There will be days when you feel like you are all you have. Those are the days that you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet all by yourself because that's how you learn. If you can't learn to love yourself, how do you expect to love anyone else? You are strong. Don't forget that.
You will be okay someday. You will get your hearts desire because your Heavenly father would never leave you unhappy. You just need to work hard and do your part in getting yourself there, and leave the rest to him. Trust in him.
You aren't such bad company. LOVE YOURSELF.